I didn’t even know the door existed.
It stayed shut to the room in which I lived life. Safe. Warm. Ignorant.
Stagnant.
Until the day the ER doctor blew it wide open.
“There are masses in your colon, liver and lungs“. Leaving me to fill in the blank like some twisted game of mad libs.
“Cancer?”
A nod. Sadness in his eyes.
The wind wasn’t what I felt first, it was the roar.
Like a freight train, the roar slammed into me as the wind burst the door open.
I covered my ears, and crouched, my hair flying. My eyes squeezed shut.
I didn’t even know the door existed.
Just when I thought I couldn’t handle anymore, the wind died down. And in the doorway, nothingness and fullness all at once.
I cannot not shut this door now, it will forever remain open, as long as I am in this body.
I fear it, am drawn to it. I walk slowly towards it, back away in fear, approach it again.
I do this back and forth dance for some time.
Ultimately I walk through, never to return to this room again.
Instead, I walk into an expanse.
“Come find me”, God said.
And so I realized, I was not walking out of my life, my being.
I was just beginning to walk into it.